Cancer Living Cancer Talk #1

My first informal cancer talk from my home office. I discuss my diagnosis, my treatments, a little bit on chemotherapy terminology, and a few cancer related books and I’m currently reading. 

Hope is grief’s best music

Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts

Participating in a Clinical Trial – Part 2

After a writing hiatus due to chemo side effects, I’ve finally started writing again. Today my latest article for prostatecancer.net was published. I’m still struggling some getting in my writing mode, but it’s getting there. And I hope to be writing more here as well. Until then, please check out my latest piece:

Participating in a Clinical Trial – Part 2

Oh, the pain!

Dr. Smith said it best: "Oh, the pain!" (Or "Oh, the pain...the pain!!") Well, I could probably put it another way, but I won't for now for fear of offending myself.

So anyone who knows me on Twitter knows that the previous two days I've dealt with a lot of pain. More than usual. Since my diagnosis the pain has slowly been increasing. Some of it is sciatica, but a lot of it isn't. Sometimes the pain is around the L5 spinal segment, and that's the one that practically keeps me from walking. 

I initially rejected the idea of pain killers. I felt that admitting I needed pain killers was like I had one foot in the grave. But then I started feeling the pain in of sciatica. Not only did it hurt, but it gave me this claustrophobic feeling like belts were strapped around my legs and I couldn't get out. This led to a panic attack, which just made the thing a whole lot worse. 

So at that time I asked my oncologist, (who also specializes in palliative care and hospice care) if there was something stronger than aspirin that I could take. Pain is one thing she will not let patients endure unnecessarily. Since my pain was acute, I was given a prescription for Oxycodone. (Note: the second opioid crisis is lack of pain medication for those who really need it, like people with metastatic cancer.)

I found this worked really well. I'm generally never painless, but the Oxy will take it down to where it's bearable. Fortunately, I can usually tell when weird claustrophobic sciatica will happen, so if I can take pain meds early, I don't get panic attack.

Yesterday and the day before I could barely walk when I got up in the morning. This morning at 6:00 am, I got up and took my pain medication as I could feel it coming on. Then I went back to bed, slept a couple of hours, and woke up at 8:00 am with barely any pain at all. So seems that if I can stay ahead of the pain, it'll be a whole lot better for me later on.

Ok, I never get to talk about the Lost in Space TV show. Ever. Enjoy...

Giant carrot

Smith turned into a celery stalk

Debbie the Bloop

The Green Lady

Danger Will Robinson

Stay tuned for scenes from next week's exciting adventure!

Song for a Friend (Music)

A picture is worth a thousand words…and so is a melody. I’ve written music since I was five or six years old. I studied composition at university, but eventually dropped out of music school. But one thing I’ve found is that I can somehow express my deepest feelings with music where words would just fail me.

 Here's an instrumental track I wrote and recorded in my kitchen in 2009. This tune was written for my dear old friend, Kirk, who I’ve known for over 20 years. Kirk and I live less than an hour apart, but I swear it’s been ten years since we’ve seen each other in person, which just ain’t right…

Kirk and I usually send each other silly emails each Christmas. But I hadn't sent one the last two holidays because I was going through chemo each time. I finally decided to send that silly email, and like always, we were reconnected. Before I could tell him I had been diagnosed with incurable cancer, he told me his wife of many years had just died of cancer in the last year. Kirk is a curmudgeon and a grump old fart who is funny and a pleasure to be around. Even though it was an email, I could hear his heartbreak through the wires.

Listen 

When Goodbye Really Means Goodbye

Goodbye. It’s a word we use all the time. We may also say something like: see ya later, so long, farewell, bye-bye, and others, but goodbye has a more formal ring to it. But despite that, our intended meaning is often something like "until we meet again.”

I had a couple of cancer friends who died last year. In both cases, the last time I saw them we hugged and said goodbye to one another. I had no reason to believe that we would never see each other again.

Cancer is a cruel and unmerciful taskmaster. Alas, another lesson learned that bites like the bitter winter wind and knocked me off my feet like a right hook would from a champion boxer.

Always say goodbye like it may be the last. Sometimes goodbye really means goodbye.